balily

07:38 am: Sore.
I am so bad about posting in things like this during the summer. My mom had started taking me to lift weights and the last two days I have been so sore! My inner thighs have been screaming and I can barely walk. It is so hard to walk, in fact, that I pretty much stay in the same place all day. Today they are feeling better, but I am going back to La Mariposa to lift again. I am sure that tomorrow I won't be able to get out of bed. It reminds me of after the 6 hour dance rehearsal for West Side Story and how 1/4 of the school was hobbling around campus because we were all so sore. What a great memory!

08:21 pm: grrr...
I am very frustrated right now. I am in such a dry place in my relationship with God and I hate it yet I am not doing anything to try and improve it. It is aggravating! I want to desire to draw closer to Him, but for the most part I really dont want to spend time with Him. It may posssibly have to do with the fact that when I spend more time with Him, draw closer to Him and He reveals Himself, I will have to address the issues and struggles and work on them. I am afraid to do that. But at the same time, I think my need to control is causing a disconnect in my relationshipw ith Christ and is hampering drawing closer to Him. I so badly want to be close to Him, to know Him and to learn to love others as He does. I am just scared that if I give Him complete control He will ruin my life. I know though that He is not out to harm me, but rather He is for me. I know that even if I dont let Him have control He can and will do what is in His will. I just like being in control and making everything perfect. I feel that if everything isnt perfect, if I am not perfect then I am not adequate to be loved by God, my family, friends or anyone. I know perfection is impossible. There is a disconnect between what I know and what I believe. I also believe that Satan has a tight hold on me in this issue and he is really using fear to hinder me.

06:43 pm: So, I just found out I had livejournal and I didnt even know I made an account. Weird, huh? Well, I dont feel like saying much right now except I am hanging out with my friend Donna from highschool and that is always fun. Plus it is summer, so no class...for awhile!!